The following single scullers have petitioned to be named automatically to race in the Olympic single scull final under atypical Olympic year naming conventions.
Mahe Drysdale
Xeno Muller
Olaf Tufte
Pier Giorgio Negrini
Ondrej Synek
Alan Campbell
"We should be named to the final because, well, because of our names," said Drysdale. "I know Alan's name isn't that interesting, but at least it's a four letter word."
Drysdale was emphatic that the naming should occur. "We shouldn't have to trial, or go through heats or semis for that matter. Repechages? Forget it, that's harder to say and spell than our names, mate."
Synek was the only official concession to the notion of using results from last year to select and seed the event; it was also felt that his name was sufficiently difficult to pronounce on first reading, so the volleyball announcer hired by the television network would get it wrong on first try, which always gets a laugh from the smug rowing audience at home more accustomed to being ignored completely.
For using his middle name prominently, Negrini will be placed in whatever lane is most disadvantaged per FISA lane selection procedures.
Muller will be required to complete successfully his weight loss program, or at least provide color commentary from a satellite feed in his car in Newport Beach.
Other scullers had mostly four letter words for the decision to choose a straight final of guys with four-letter names.